


Something Missing (that wasn't found)

by yutorin



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Gen, I'm just backing everything up, I'm late to the game, Originally Posted on LiveJournal, Originally posted in 2011, you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-11 23:22:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17456228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutorin/pseuds/yutorin
Summary: Yamada has noticed something about himself that he had never noticed before.





	Something Missing (that wasn't found)

A sudden thought occurs to Yamada as he watches Hikaru and Yabu talk, sprawled on top of each other, laughing amongst themselves, as affection radiated from the two of them. He can't do that; he realizes. He doesn't know how to love like that.

He asks them individually what their five most important things in the world are. Both of them name the other immediately, at the top of their list. Yamada tries to make himself a list. He realizes that the most important thing in his world is himself; or more specifically, his working self. He lives for himself, for his wants, his passions. He lives for going out on stage and presenting himself at his best. He lives to work hard, and improve himself. Hikaru and Yabu live for each other. They live...for their love. Interesting.

This concept is one he had never considered before. He wondered what that would be like. He doesn't know...he's never been in a relationship, never even had a crush. He doesn't find another person more important than himself, and before that wasn't a problem. Now he realizes he's missing something vital for a human being. The ability to love. He becomes serious about fixing it. He is a very serious, hardworking person by nature, and he hopes this will pay off. But he doesn't know where to begin.

How do you make yourself fall in love? He tries to, watching the other JUMP members, noticing little things about them. He noticed plenty of things he'd never really thought about before, but none of it really changed the way he thought about any of them. He tried it again, at NYC practice...to no avail. Yuma was still Yuma, and Chinen was still Chinen, and they were his coworkers and bandmates. The end.

He researches a bit more, watching love movies like Koizora, and reading romantic books and shojo manga in his spare time, hoping to gain a greater understanding. He thinks its a bit ridiculous. Yet, he goes and tries again, this time paying close attention to girls. Watching them, hoping one will catch his eye, make his heart beat faster. He does that for weeks.

It doesn't do anything. He doesn't find them attractive, or unattractive. They simply are. He begins to get frustrated with himself. What is wrong with him? Why can't he experience this one vital emotion? Nothing seems to work! He researches further, yet as he does so he begins to feel suffocated, smothered. So, eventually, he gives up on this thing they call love.

He wasn't meant to love, he figures. He was meant to do his work. Meant to sing and dance, and act sometimes. He wasn't meant to find a soulmate, like Hikaru and Yabu have found in each other. He wasn't meant to make amazing friendships, like Keito and Yuto. He was meant to be alone, and work hard. He was meant to want only his work. So, he turned his back on bonding. On caring. On dependency. On love. He focuses on the most important thing in his world: himself at work. And he forgets how to love.


End file.
